Going to need a bigger bowl

I've been battling this potty training thing for sometime - not for myself - my child, and I'll even throw the other one in there too for shits and giggles.  I am so bad at potty training that my oldest has something called "encroporesis," which essentially means he holds it so long that he will shit himself uncontrollably causing his colon and rectal muscles to lose function.  I can not make this up.  Pooping has been such a traumatic thing that he would rather not do it.  If you can't poop on your own toilet, where can you poop?  Apparently in your underwear if you ask him.  So now that I've overshared you know my backstory.

Here's the revelation I have stumbled upon...my toilet is not big enough!  No Dr. Sears book or self-help internet website necessary.  Cameron goes in the tub at bathtime, we dump in every toy we have, we throw in brother, and BAM!!  That digestive track kicks into gear and his colon sighs in relief.  Instant panic sets in.  What child do I save first from the floating logs of contamination?  The bath water starts swirling in a sea of brown and decisions have to be made.  For some reason impulse causes me to get the culprit out first and heave him on the potty.  He always looks at me in disbelief like, "Did you not see the poop in the tub?  I'm good."  I reach to save the little one and before I can throw him a life ring, I see his hands are now squeezing his new bath toy.  Prayers are sent up, "Please dear God just don't let my child eat the poop."  My parenting skills have been exhausted at this point, and I keep the little one in the tub dangled under running water.  Where are the instructions on this?  "Mama, can you clean my booty?" is replaying about 100 times a minute while I try to explain to a three year old that a dirty booty is not top priority right now as I have a two year old who may or may not have INGESTED the shit.  

I feel like I have typed a post like this before.  This happened a couple of times and the reign of terror is happening in full force as little brother is now taking cues from the big one.  Just as soon as the water has reached optimal temperature and every toy has assumed its rightful place in the jacuzzi of filth, my kids unleash all they have to offer and it's every parent, child and toy for himself.  
 
I can't decide if I just need to take the toilet seat off or if I have to fully submerge booties in order to get them to poop in the toilet.  Either way this does not give me good feelings about putting them in swimming lessons.

Happy 2nd birthday Jack!

Birthday # 2 was a farm party.  I had lots of cute ideas until 5am on the day of the party when I realized I had nothing done.  Pinterest 1.  Sarah 0.

Alex (for Tom and Maranda) and Jack

Adrienne (for Joey and Tricia) and Jack

Swinging with Jacob and he couldn't have been happier

This child practiced and blew out those candles like a champ.

He still has his chunky cheeks and rolls from head to toe but with each day that little look of mischief grows.  What a wild two years.  How did he get the mark on his forehead you might ask.  Brother?  No.  Daycare?  No. Yours truly.  Two years and the child still wakes up at least once a night.  2 am usually.  Sometimes I lay down in bed with him while he plays StoryBots on my phone until 4am before catching a cat nap.  Go ahead and judge.  I stayed up until midnight one night getting school stuff done and in walks Jack at his usual 2am.  Instead of picking him up and walking him back to his room, I pulled him in bed with me because what parents don't want two children wedged at right angles stabbing your eyes with their unclipped nails and karate kicking you in the ribs.  All fun and games.  (Seriously one night ended in bloodshed for Brian and Cameron proceeded to ram his claw-like fingers up Brian's nose in an effort to touch his brain.  Sleeping.  We miss it.)  Anyway I am trying to get comfortable while my oldest is on my right side snoring like a grown man and breathing on me.  A girl has to get comfortable, which just so happens to mean dropping the child that your left arm had been supporting for the past 30 minutes.  In 2 seconds, every single thought raced through my mind...I went from his teeth being knocked out, to a black eye, to needing stitches, to a broken arm, to paralysis...and it's all MY FAULT.  Being a mom is fun.  So I picked up Jack who is face down in between the end table and the bed, and aside from the screaming he has one little mark that won't stop bleeding.  I hate head wounds.  After stopping the bleeding he was ready to play StoryBots as long as he had a "pop part."  His guardian angels put in overtime each and everyday, and I am so grateful.  Lord knows my parenting can use all the help in the world.   

Singing in the rain

Riding bikes got interesting when it started to rain.  I figured both kids would freak out and head for drier pastures, but they were game.   Just a heads up for parents out there...make sure your kids have another pair of shoes for the morning.

Things just got real

When you're out of hair gel, use Elmer's.

Sooo...everyday I wonder if my kids are behaving like they do at home with me.  They cry hysterically when I leave the room so that's a lot like home.  They are picky about food so that's a lot like home.  Art class turns into an epic disaster...ah yes...a lot like home.  At the end of the day I look forward to having Cameron jump into my arms for a big hug.  I spot that little Superman shirt running toward me, and I don't recognize him.  That's because his face looks like his skin is peeling off.  "Um, we were using glue today.  I went to help another kid with a bathroom issue, and when I turned around Cameron seemed to be painting himself in glue."  I should have warned the teacher, but the look on her face was priceless, and I couldn't stop laughing.  The back of his head was completely covered.  His hair was spiked to perfection.  His ears and nose are filled with dried glue.  There is glue up to his elbows and behind his knees.  I'm pretty impressed about how thorough he was.  Were the other kids helping paint him, or did he just unscrew the cap and let her rip?   

This little dude is going to be trouble.  So another kid allegedly took his toy, and he got in this kid's face and screamed at him.  I think "shock" got over the teacher, and she just told him, "We miss the cuddly shy Jack.  Where is he?"  Jack looks at her, walks into the time out corner, and then starts giggling.  Boarding school.  Definitely going to boarding school.  On Friday he was sent home with an incident report saying he got hit in the head with a toy.  Where's the paper that says what Jack did to get the black and blue mark?  The paper says for care they gave him a extra dose of TLC.  Great.  The kid is already attached to his teacher at the hip.  She gives up her lunch to lie next to Jack and rub his head because he likes it.  Now my kid is going to be diving in front of flying blocks in an effort to get additional one-on-one TLC time.

Whoa...I'm back

I wasn't even 100% sure of the password to get back into the blog, but I'm back. 

These two little guys started school as did I.  I was originally taking a six week maternity leave but got suckered into taking a Biology position at least until December.  We'll see beyond that.  Mornings are pretty tough getting the three of us ready and out the door.  Usually Jack is up between 4 and 5, but Cameron can be the wildcard.  Of course one morning, I just decided to let him sleep as late as possible (6:10am to be exact), and I just dressed him while he was sleeping.  I go to take the child out of the car, and this warm sensation runs across my midsection.  Lucky for him I had a change of clothes for him...can't say the same for myself.  Nothing says, "Good morning, class," like a shirt soaked in urine. 

Drop off is usually me putting them down and then sprinting to the door as Jack sobs on the floor.  It's his thing.  The teachers there are over it.  I am over it.  Surely there needs to be a drama department at this daycare because my two thespians are trying to pull at heart strings to get what they want.

Of course I had my reservations.  I worried about Cameron and his speech.  The second day he had peed in his underwear, but he didn't have the words to tell anybody so he just pulled them up and dealt with it.  I couldn't help but cry.  I worried about my energetic three year old losing his courage after being rejected by the other kids because of his inability to talk on their level.  Lucky for us his teacher has been forcing him into his discomfort zone.  His inclination was to sit at the table or stand against the wall, and she has been making him play with the other kids.  I know this is truly what he needs though everyday I know it is a struggle for him.

Jack has got them wrapped around his finger.  I am not sure what kind of energy shots he is doing at daycare, but he has the teacher giving him one-on-one time during naptime because he only feels like sleeping 45 minutes.  He hates art time.  He wouldn't color at all for the first two weeks.  Finally Ms. Nicole gave him a color and just told him to hold it because she knew he wouldn't color.  Just like that he colors the entire paper so of course she makes a big to-do.  The other teachers make a fuss.  The kids make a fuss.  Yeah.  He has them right where he wants them.  Cookie cake for snack.  He ate his piece before the other kids were finished being served so he got another piece.  Future politician.

Cameron's party Part 2

Let me post some pictures with my kids in it this time.

It didn't take him long to get the hang of it

We also got him a i-mic stand which means we can plug in our phones and he can sing along to the music.

When you tell Cameron to say, "Cheese," that is his reaction.  Every time.

My baby three years later.

Present from Mee Mee and Pop Pops.  He also got a baseball trainer, some play doh sets and a plasma scooter.

We practiced blowing out candles

Jack posing

Riding bikes with Kaleb

After playing all day, we let them dig into the remaining cake.

Cameron's Duck Dynasty Party

Entrance

Our duck blind became a tent when the forecast called for rain.  I gave up decorating that.

You can find anything online.  Cheap camouflage netting went a long way.

Cameron is in the middle

Thankfully one of Brian's friends let us use his duck decoys for decorations

Party favors for the kids...beards for the boys.

Party favors for the girls included headbands instead of beards.  Easy to make.

The shooting range.  I had a couple of dart guns.

Cake from Jumonville's.  When I said I wanted a Camo cake, they said, "Well you've come to the right place. Would you like the writing in hunter's orange?"  Only in Gonzales is "hunter's orange" a legitimate color choice.

Paper mache bee hive.   Was supposed to be a pinata until I realized how many layers of paper mache that would take.  Pinata scratched.

Third birthday...go big or go home, right?  Cameron wanted a "Man Duck" party (which is what he calls Duck Dynasty) so with a little help from Pinterest and some serious baby sitting from Brian and my mom, I was able to pull this off.  The party was supposed to be set up outside, but the weatherman kept calling for rain.  Indoors worked well and the kids were also able to play with Cameron's new toys outside.

Happy 3rd Birthday!

Happy 3rd birthday to my little "Man Duck."

Unforeseen issues

We always used to bathe the boys together, and then we stopped.  I couldn't remember why that happened so the other day I threw the kids in the tub and was reminded.

First, Cameron was sitting closest to the faucet drinking the water.  Jack was standing behind him trying to catch water in his cup.  Next thing I know Jack is peeing on Cameron's back unbeknown to Cameron.

Cameron strikes revenge by trying to grab Jack's little boy parts.  Jack is not helping the situation by laughing hysterically.

The final revenge is when Jack poops in the tub and Cameron jumps out.  Think Caddyshack.

It all makes for an interesting evening.

Summer is here

Cannot keep this kid out of the water

Sometimes goggles can convince him to go in the water.

I'm sure the warning labels say not to put a slide in the pool, but this was entertainment

At Jambalaya Park avoiding the water

At Jambalaya Park not avoiding the water

We are spending summer trying to beat the heat, which would ideally mean staying indoors, but my children are always looking to go somewhere.  If I want Cameron to hurry up and get dressed, all I have to do is say the words, "Dollar Store."  Say, "Chuck E. Cheese," and he'll get his brother dressed to.  I know we've been outside too much because the one-year old has a diaper tan.  No tan lines anywhere else though. 

It's amazing how different the kids can be.  Jack will put his entire face underwater and pour buckets over his head.  Cameron cried the other day because his swimsuit got wet at the splash park.  Always makes for a fun outing when you are trying to explain to a two year old why he can't run around in public without any pants. 

Swimming pool

It was cold!

They both can't fit in there which is the ideal situation.  Too bad I don't have a second bucket.

Jack improvised by filling this push toy with water.  In case you're wondering, he didn't fit.

It hasn't been that hot yet, but my kids insist on playing in the water.  I've been too lazy to inflate our kiddie pool or go buy a plastic one so we've been improvising.  Usually I just give Cameron the hose and he'll squirt Jack, which is cheap entertainment until somebody's eyes get wet.  (Must get some goggles.)  If I'm feeling especially ambitious, I'll give them a small tub (see above) to play in. 

Stuff I didn't think about...going to the bathroom

I'd like to push my pride aside and slip on those Lisa Rinna Depend undergarments for the sole reason of not being able to go to the bathroom in public...with two kids.

I've been able to leave the house with two kids one in diapers and one in underwear.  The problem is not getting Cameron to pee, the problem is getting them to wait for me while I do.

Case in point...
I went solo with the two jumping beans to the local Jump N Jive (bounce house).  As if a uterine prolapse at the age of 30 wasn't enough, tack on recurrent UTIs and we have ourselves the making of a painful trip to the bathroom.  Wait I need to bring a 2 year old and a 1 year old?  Ha! 

 Cameron and Jack came with me into the bathroom stall since it's frowned upon to leave small children with strangers.  Public bathrooms make my skin crawl.  I am not one of those moms that lysols the whole damn thing before going in, but I wish they would go in right before me and clean it all up.  When I really think about it though, those bathrooms get cleaned more frequently than my own.  Imagine that.  So I have Cameron standing on my feet and I'm trying to make sure his shorts and underwear don't touch the tile.  The whole time I'm looking at the floor and Cameron is holding onto the toilet seat to brace himself.  What in the world?  I pull his arms up over his head as if germs can't survive at a certain height then Jack decides to wash his hands in Cameron's stream of pee.  You have got to be kidding me!!! 

Sadly, I figured I would just clean them up after my turn.  Cue disgusting stereotypical toddler behavior.  Jack crouches down to see what's on the other side of the stall, and I start pleading with him not to do it.  Please don't...and there he goes.  Down on all fours crawling under the stall.  Is it too much to ask for a stall that goes all the way to the floor?  I have him by the shirt dragging him back as I try to wrap things up.  (Ever try to wipe with your non-dominant hand?)  Now my little locksmith (Cameron) slides the lock across and there goes the door.  Yes, we were in the handicap stall so the door flies open and away from my reach.  Thank you, karma.  I realize I should not have been in the handicap stall.  I am now staring at my frazzled reflection in the mirror above the sink and watching my kids make their way out the stall covered in urine and toilet germs.  As I flush, Jack turns around, grins, and claps for me.  Just another day....oh wait that was only 5 minutes of our day.  

The zoo

Jack and Alex riding in style

Alex loved the animals

Cameron and Nanny taking a look at the giraffes.  This was the only animal he stopped to look at because it was Jacob's favorite.

Paw Paw Jim and Jack

We made it to the playground which is what Cameron thought was the "zoo."  It took a lot of bribes to leave there.

Waiting for the train.  This burger brought him out of a full blown sleepy tantrum explosion

Cameron and his nanny.