Pictures from January

It's been a while since I posted pictures so here's a random mix with some updates. Hope you enjoy!

The boys wearing red for Tripp. That outfit does not flatter Jack in the least bit.

Baby Merlin's Magic Sleep Suit. If you or someone you know are expecting, this is the gift of sleep. Side note, you have to start your child in it early because this didn't work for Cameron. Jack was 10 weeks when we put him in this. He sleeps from about 10pm until 8 am. Thank you Baby Merlin.

Here's my Happy Jack. He coos and smiles all the time. It's a great age.
Cameron is all about dirt these days. I put clothes on him as a giant bib. I just strip him down before he wants to come inside.
I am trying to get Cameron some art time with coloring and paint. Oddly enough he didn't enjoy finger painting. No surprise that he tried to lick the paint brush though.
3 months went by quick. His weight checks in at 14.7 pounds. He started eating cereal and we've switched to formula so those cheeks are filling out.
It's hard to get them to cooperate for pictures, but this was close.
He's almost able to roll from his back to his belly. He will roll from his belly to his back, but I think that's still because his head is so heavy. I'm certainly not ready for this.

Just another Friday

Fridays are days I look forward to just like anyone else. This Friday did not disappoint either. Cameron threw up on me. Jack woke up with a fever and snotty nose, which his brother shared with him. I had to wake up sleeping babies to show the house at 8 am. Cameron had diarrhea seep through two outfits. Jack pooped on me. Cameron escaped through our fence gate. I lost Jack's penis. Yup, I lost my son's penis.

It happened sometime between being pooped on and chasing Cameron out the gate since these things were happening simultaneously. I - like hundreds of times before - undid Jack's diaper and began to clean up the damage. Here's where the double take happened. I believe I said, "Oh my God," followed immediately by, "What the hell?" I'm not sure if that's sacrilegious or if I'm just covering all my bases. Then it gets tricky. "Jack, where is your pee pee?" I stooped to a new low when I opened the diaper up as if I had magically wiped his penis off. I cleaned up the area to get a better view. (I am not posting a picture of my son's penis because I think you go to jail for that sort of thing so I'll give you my best description.) Do you have an innie belly button? Take a look. That's what my son's penis looked like. I am not kidding you either. (Google "buried penis" if you don't believe me.) So I am of course panicking. You don't just mess with somebody's manhood. As much as people wanted me to have a girl, I really didn't envision it happening like this. In need of reassurance that this is normal (like hell it is), I take a picture and send it to my mom. Frantically I leave a message with my pediatrician, call Maranda and call my brother. Tom then says, "Did you try pushing around it?" You want me to do what? Reluctantly I listen to my brother, and I kid you not...his penis popped out. I could not make this shit up.

How's that for a Friday?

Getting by...

Postpartum depression. There. I said it. I'll talk about it since not most people will. For some reason it has such a stigma attached to it that we, as women, are left to feel ashamed by it. Well, I can officially say I am struggling with postpartum depression. (Disclaimer to this post: Yes, I am currently being treated so please do not take this post the wrong way. I just feel like more people go through it than will admit to it. I hope that everyone who suffers through it gets the medical attention it deserves.) The "baby blues" are more than just a color. It has left me nearly incapacitated at times in every sense of the word. Some days I have forgotten to eat or drink. Most days I've cried. Many times I can have both children screaming, and I am completely unable to pick either one up. I've broken things out of anger. I've had thoughts that my children would be better off without me.

Postpartum is much more than just sadness. To give you a visual imagine you were drowning in a lake that has been frozen over. No matter how good you are doing at swimming it's never going to be good enough because you are trapped. It's not just I am physically trapped. It is the feelings of guilt that most often plague me. I have two healthy boys, a supportive husband, and friends and family who will be there at the drop of a hat. So what's the problem? I am fortunate enough to stay at home with my children while they are small. So what's the problem? These are the things that trap me. Every little "what if" that enters my mind becomes a hurdle that I must overcome instead of just a passing thought. It's these little "what ifs" that make me want to get in my car and just keep driving west. No destination in mind.

This isn't something I am going to kick overnight. The worst possible thing someone can say is, "It'll get better." I know that. My doctor relates it to a soldier who is in the middle of a grenade fight. Of course, it'll get better but right now it sucks. Admittedly I am the worst at asking for help. I am finally starting to ask Brian for help, but it takes a huge amount out of me. I guess it's a pride thing. I don't want any added guilt by asking someone to help watch my kids while I get some "me" time. In my mind, that's selfish. God gave me those two boys and so they are my responsibility ALL the time. I know I need to ask for more help, but it will take time.

My reason for writing this is not to create alarm or panic. Please don't misinterpret this post. I am writing because many of my readers are moms or will be moms. Postpartum depression is a very real thing that is treatable. I hope that if you are going through this or have gone through this you break the silence and get some help. Rest assured I am getting help, and I do see signs that things are improving. It's a slow process though with many roller coaster weeks. Right now I am getting by.