Getting by...

Postpartum depression. There. I said it. I'll talk about it since not most people will. For some reason it has such a stigma attached to it that we, as women, are left to feel ashamed by it. Well, I can officially say I am struggling with postpartum depression. (Disclaimer to this post: Yes, I am currently being treated so please do not take this post the wrong way. I just feel like more people go through it than will admit to it. I hope that everyone who suffers through it gets the medical attention it deserves.) The "baby blues" are more than just a color. It has left me nearly incapacitated at times in every sense of the word. Some days I have forgotten to eat or drink. Most days I've cried. Many times I can have both children screaming, and I am completely unable to pick either one up. I've broken things out of anger. I've had thoughts that my children would be better off without me.

Postpartum is much more than just sadness. To give you a visual imagine you were drowning in a lake that has been frozen over. No matter how good you are doing at swimming it's never going to be good enough because you are trapped. It's not just I am physically trapped. It is the feelings of guilt that most often plague me. I have two healthy boys, a supportive husband, and friends and family who will be there at the drop of a hat. So what's the problem? I am fortunate enough to stay at home with my children while they are small. So what's the problem? These are the things that trap me. Every little "what if" that enters my mind becomes a hurdle that I must overcome instead of just a passing thought. It's these little "what ifs" that make me want to get in my car and just keep driving west. No destination in mind.

This isn't something I am going to kick overnight. The worst possible thing someone can say is, "It'll get better." I know that. My doctor relates it to a soldier who is in the middle of a grenade fight. Of course, it'll get better but right now it sucks. Admittedly I am the worst at asking for help. I am finally starting to ask Brian for help, but it takes a huge amount out of me. I guess it's a pride thing. I don't want any added guilt by asking someone to help watch my kids while I get some "me" time. In my mind, that's selfish. God gave me those two boys and so they are my responsibility ALL the time. I know I need to ask for more help, but it will take time.

My reason for writing this is not to create alarm or panic. Please don't misinterpret this post. I am writing because many of my readers are moms or will be moms. Postpartum depression is a very real thing that is treatable. I hope that if you are going through this or have gone through this you break the silence and get some help. Rest assured I am getting help, and I do see signs that things are improving. It's a slow process though with many roller coaster weeks. Right now I am getting by.