Potty Training for Idiots (me)

The books lie to you.  The books tell you it will be so easy.  The internet has blogs that tell you how to potty train your child in a day or a weekend.  Other parents tell you their child managed to pull down his own pants, take a crap and wipe his own ass the first attempt at potty training.  They are liars.  They are sick and twisted liars who are there to make the rest of the world feel like failures. 

Here's the truth.  Well it's merely the truth on my situation.

I don't have a penis.  There I said it.  Therefore I didn't really understand all the quirks of how to train a child with one.  Books keep telling you to look for signs your child is ready.  

• Can go through naptime dry.  Well I guess he could, but if I let him take a longer nap, then he pees in his diaper.  I have two kids.  I'll take the pee in the diaper and the longer nap, please.  
• Doesn't like to be wet.  He doesn't really care if his diaper is wet, but splash some water on his sleeve and the whole shirt has to be changed.  Does that count?
• Can verbalize his needs.  I can verbalize that I need to go jogging, but that doesn't always get things done now does it?
• Is coordinated enough to run or walk steadily.  Maybe I should have started the training before he could take off running from the potty.
• Urinates a fair amount at one time.  Who is wringing out their kid's diaper to measure how much pee is in there at one time.  Also, it might be a while before I can get to that wet diaper.  You want to get changed quick?  Poop.
• Can pull his pants up and down.  Pants, no, but he can take his socks and shoes off, which oddly enough have to happen every time he goes to the bathroom even in public restrooms.  Go ahead and say it...gross!
• Has predictable bowel movements.  Really?  Is everyone out there having predictable bowel movements? 

Let me just say that I was not ready for potty training.  It's so easy to put that diapered child in the car and drive as long as I need.  Hell, look at that astronaut stalker lady.  She diapered herself up for a cross country trip.  It's convenient.  Yes the idea of not buying diapers is intriguing to me, but not elusive.  There's still the little one who is keeping Pampers in business.

Nevertheless, I first attempted the "weekend" method.  "Put the kid in a shirt and underwear and give him as much liquids as his little bladder desires," says the website authority figure.  Now I have a child that cannot seem to stop playing with himself.  "Do you have to go potty?"  Him: "No."  Me: "Then quit grabbing it! Geez."  I was supposed to set a timer in this method and take him about every ten minutes or so.  That just seemed excessive to me.  Five pee puddles and one hour later, I realize that little boys mean little bladders.  The odd part is that you're not supposed to fuss at the kid merely hoist him on the potty and tell him to finish.  By the third hour off wringing out underwear in the sink, who's not getting a little frustrated.  My wood floors are getting pissed on and my area rug kind of smells like Bourbon Street.  "Give it time," the website says, "by day 2 my kids were ready and willing to go potty."  

Day 2 - Starts with a bath and a batch of laundry after his bladder apparently exploded during the night.  The website says well it helps to use a doll to simulate accidents and what is supposed to happen.  Okay, Sheriff Woody.  Let's give this a go.  So here I am playing cars with Cameron on the floor then I pour some water on the floor like Woody had peed.  Cameron laughs.  I have reached a new low.  Who in the hell came up with this and why am I buying into this?  The rest of the day went much like the first except now came the resistance.  Screaming and spreading both arms and feet out to catch the door frame to keep from entering the place where all excrement goes to die.  My wits, my patience and my cleaning solution were out.  Here you go, son.  A pull up.  You win.  

Stay tuned for part 2...