Potty Training for Idiots (me) Part 2 - Backwards by Design

I never thought much about HOW I put Cameron on the potty.  Only when.  I had given up my potty training efforts since I went back to teaching full-time for a bit.  My mom took over and of course became the miracle worker.  She said Cameron pee peed on the potty.  (Side note: how does "pee peed" not come up with a spell check underline.  Is that really accurate spelling?)  So about 30 minutes after she left I dragged Cameron in the room.  It went something like this:  I said, "Let's go potty."  My little speedster took off.  I cornered him (clearly, I wasn't outrunning him), picked him up and fought the wiggling over the the bathroom.  After prying ten little fingers one by one off of the door frame, I sat him down on his Elmo potty chair.  He lost his mind, threw himself on the floor and cried for ten minutes.  Looked like me when I have a urinary tract infection. 

So I tried to call Meme out and that was a mistake.  She says, "Cameron, let's go get a cookie."  Sneaky.  He walks willingly into the bathroom and she puts him on the big potty facing BACKWARDS!!!  What in the world?  Have I gone 30 years of my life peeing on the potty in the WRONG DIRECTION!  So the kid pees in the potty, flushes, says "bye pee pee" and goes on his merry way.  My mouth is still in shock at the whole backwards thing.  I start trying the Meme way and things continue going great.  

Does positioning matter?  Boy does it!  I couldn't figure out why in the world I would put this kid backwards on the potty, and then I turned him around to face me (the I guess normal way).  So he peed and his pants and underwear are wet.  Must have had an earlier accident.  A little while later, I put him on the potty, he pees and his pants and underwear are wet.  What is going on?  Who urinates this much?  And then I figured it out.  When Cameron goes to the potty, he has to take off everything except his shirt...pants, underwear, socks and shoes (that makes for a ton of fun when out in public).  When I put him on the potty, his pants and other clothes were under his feet.  As he peed, he managed to aim his pee pee in the slight gap in between the seat and the toilet bowl.  Pee was dripping onto his legs and on his clothes.  Flipping the kid around gives him a little more space.

Brian then shows Cameron how to pee standing up.  Pretty awesome until I go in there with him.  First of all, is he supposed to straddle the toilet?  Secondly, why does he still need to take all his clothes off?  I was in Hobby Lobby holding, a purse, a diaper bag, shoes, socks, pants and underwear while trying to dangle a kid over the toilet because I didn't want his bare feet pulling a Britney Spears.  Thank God Jack wasn't with us.  Third, girls need to be reminded to put the seat up for the boys.  Awkward moment was when his pee pee was drifting onto my seat (forgot to put it up again).  Okay now what?  Tell him to push "it" that way?  What does that mean?  It creeps me out to hold it for him.  Really?  Isn't that borderline jail time?  He already grabs himself 20 out of 24 hours in the day so all I need is another reason for him to grab a hold.  Where's Brian?  Seems like a dad job.

Potty Training for Idiots (me)

The books lie to you.  The books tell you it will be so easy.  The internet has blogs that tell you how to potty train your child in a day or a weekend.  Other parents tell you their child managed to pull down his own pants, take a crap and wipe his own ass the first attempt at potty training.  They are liars.  They are sick and twisted liars who are there to make the rest of the world feel like failures. 

Here's the truth.  Well it's merely the truth on my situation.

I don't have a penis.  There I said it.  Therefore I didn't really understand all the quirks of how to train a child with one.  Books keep telling you to look for signs your child is ready.  

• Can go through naptime dry.  Well I guess he could, but if I let him take a longer nap, then he pees in his diaper.  I have two kids.  I'll take the pee in the diaper and the longer nap, please.  
• Doesn't like to be wet.  He doesn't really care if his diaper is wet, but splash some water on his sleeve and the whole shirt has to be changed.  Does that count?
• Can verbalize his needs.  I can verbalize that I need to go jogging, but that doesn't always get things done now does it?
• Is coordinated enough to run or walk steadily.  Maybe I should have started the training before he could take off running from the potty.
• Urinates a fair amount at one time.  Who is wringing out their kid's diaper to measure how much pee is in there at one time.  Also, it might be a while before I can get to that wet diaper.  You want to get changed quick?  Poop.
• Can pull his pants up and down.  Pants, no, but he can take his socks and shoes off, which oddly enough have to happen every time he goes to the bathroom even in public restrooms.  Go ahead and say it...gross!
• Has predictable bowel movements.  Really?  Is everyone out there having predictable bowel movements? 

Let me just say that I was not ready for potty training.  It's so easy to put that diapered child in the car and drive as long as I need.  Hell, look at that astronaut stalker lady.  She diapered herself up for a cross country trip.  It's convenient.  Yes the idea of not buying diapers is intriguing to me, but not elusive.  There's still the little one who is keeping Pampers in business.

Nevertheless, I first attempted the "weekend" method.  "Put the kid in a shirt and underwear and give him as much liquids as his little bladder desires," says the website authority figure.  Now I have a child that cannot seem to stop playing with himself.  "Do you have to go potty?"  Him: "No."  Me: "Then quit grabbing it! Geez."  I was supposed to set a timer in this method and take him about every ten minutes or so.  That just seemed excessive to me.  Five pee puddles and one hour later, I realize that little boys mean little bladders.  The odd part is that you're not supposed to fuss at the kid merely hoist him on the potty and tell him to finish.  By the third hour off wringing out underwear in the sink, who's not getting a little frustrated.  My wood floors are getting pissed on and my area rug kind of smells like Bourbon Street.  "Give it time," the website says, "by day 2 my kids were ready and willing to go potty."  

Day 2 - Starts with a bath and a batch of laundry after his bladder apparently exploded during the night.  The website says well it helps to use a doll to simulate accidents and what is supposed to happen.  Okay, Sheriff Woody.  Let's give this a go.  So here I am playing cars with Cameron on the floor then I pour some water on the floor like Woody had peed.  Cameron laughs.  I have reached a new low.  Who in the hell came up with this and why am I buying into this?  The rest of the day went much like the first except now came the resistance.  Screaming and spreading both arms and feet out to catch the door frame to keep from entering the place where all excrement goes to die.  My wits, my patience and my cleaning solution were out.  Here you go, son.  A pull up.  You win.  

Stay tuned for part 2... 

Christmas DayI

The face of a child just out of bed, outside and with no pants on (or shoes or socks).  Love this kiddo!

And this is why we were outside!!!

Staring at the toys, but really just looking for food.

He got an LSU football uniform complete with shoulder pads.

Playing the piano with cousin Cy at Mee Mee's.

I swear he owns pants.  He just didn't have any on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day I guess.

When all else fails, put on Toy Story

Christmas was more of a thrill for Brian and I than for the kids.  We couldn't wait for Cameron to see his jeep and for Jack to get his workshop.  Jack walked around saw a few things then picked up a candy cane and called it a day.  Kind of what we expected for his age.  Cameron got a jeep and the coolest helmet I could find.  The night before Brian and I questioned our parenting skills.  Me: "We're giving a two-year old a jeep so that he can drive his younger brother around?"  Him: "We bought them both helmets, right? Should be fine."  They still will not sit in the jeep at the same time.  I think Jack has seen Cameron's driving abilities and would rather not take the chance.  At one point Cameron had it in reverse and was looking forward laughing hysterically. 

We spent the day with Brian's side of the family.  Holidays make me even more anxious than I already am because I just anticipate Cameron popping a peanut in his mouth or trying to eat a peanut butter cookie.  I don't want to be "that allergy mom," but I guess I have to be until he is old enough to ask.  Of course Jack is great at finding every outlet in your house.  He also loves to unplug whatever is in plugged in and then stick the plug in his mouth.  The game is to catch him before he tries to plug the cord back in and electrocute himself.  Life with kids is interesting.